Stardate 042609. Feeling quite pleased with the Phillies three-game sweep of the Marlins. Truly filleted their bullpen. Opportunistic bats storm to the forefront. Jamie Moyer doesn’t drink cocktails, he sips from the fountain of youth. Cameron Maybin looks like a lost puppy at the plate. Raul Ibanez is the only man on the planet who has my full-fledged support to sport the soul patch. Need – desperately – to get tickets for next weekend’s series against the Mets.
And so our journey begins. Surely, there was no way to get tickets directly through the Phillies. Other mediums had to be explored, and thus, my roommate Lucy and I were forced into the most despicable of predicaments – dealing with online scalpers.
What a depraved, dishonest and dispassionate man the online scalper is. Hording away tickets that otherwise well-intentioned fans might purchase in order to make himself a buck. It’s bad enough that the Phillies have begun to attract teeny-boppers and frat boys who experiment with steroids, all attending in the name of “making the scene”; now, an honest fan can’t even buy a damn ticket at face value. Where were you during the Gregg Jeffries’ years, you bandwagon barbarians? Playing twister with all of the pink-jersey’d Eagles groupies, I’d imagine.
Though I will suffer them so long as they yell loudly when the real fans yell, and don’t make a complete mockery of the True Philadelphia Fan by stooping to the level of mindless marauder, feeding into the Exploitative National Media’s stock definition of our people.
So by now, you know that Ryan Howard has re-upped with the Phillies for three years at $54 million. Nice little raise for the big guy. But for too long, Howard has toiled in this town without an appropriate – and memorable – moniker. In honor of his contract, and because I am starting to get excited for pitchers and catchers to report, I propose both a new nickname, and tradition, for Ryan Howard.
The nickname is simple: Power Howard. It reflects the most prominent aspect of his game, and has the potential to spawn a fun game to play while the Phillies are in action. Continue reading →
Quick comparison: He Got Game vs. Above the Rim. Both center around the lives of superstar high-school basketball players raised in the inner-city. However, each focuses on a different stage in the player’s personal development – He Got Game is about the corrupt politics of the recruiting system, and how a young basketball player’s life becomes a commodity to countless people. Above the Rim, however, focuses on how the cruel realities – and influences – of the streets can cause many young men, with great potential, to leave it underdeveloped, and largely, unrecognized.
Here, in a scene from Above the Rim, Birdie, played by the late Tupac Shakur, pulls a razor blade out of his mouth. Or, he does some kind of magic trick where he makes it look as though he pulled a razor blade out of his mouth. I'm just a whiteboy originally from the 'burbs - I don't know how these things go.
$18 million? That figure is higher than Snoop Dogg on 4/20. (Editor’s note: Does anybody actually know the significance of that date? Is this really it?) I mean, that seems just a smidge high, considering the Phillies’ offer of $14 million would be a $4 million dollar raise. (Editor’s note: Insert Sarcasm Here).
Sigh. I swear, the national media just loves trashing Philly teams and fans. Loves it. Partly, I’m sure, because we respond so passionately to it. We’re like that friend you have who, anytime you burn him, gets all worked up about it, and you find yourself saying, “Yo, I’m just messing with you, man.” Like, ten times.
Maybe you’ve seen The Girl Next Door. For those who haven’t, here’s the main theme: Nerdy but curious guy falls for super hot chick with a porn-star background. He loves her sense of adventure and care-free philosophy toward life. That, and her looks. And body. Right. Anyway, super hot chick with porn-star background changes the way nerdy but curious guy looks at life, gets him to take more chances, and gives him confidence in himself. Certainly, much more occurs in his existential journey toward self-fulfillment, but you get the idea. (Editor’s note: Is the juice worth the squeeze, Pundit? An interesting query, which depends, of course, on the juice. Tropicana? ‘Cuz if it’s Tropicana, or Dole, I’m down. Or purple drink. Mmmm…purple drink. Screw Sunny D – I want that purple stuff).
It’s a classic tale, really. But what’s the point?
Now that's a point that isn't lost on me. Wait, Elisha Cuthbert isn't the point? Damn...
Take a trip down Memory Lane with me for a second. (Editor’s note: Which I’m fairly certain is in Florida somewhere. Maybe Palm Beach.) I want you to go back to the NLDS, Phillies vs. Brewers. I think that was a series we all were fairly confident the Phils would win. It wasn’t a guarantee, but it would have been surprising, and pretty friggin’ disappointing, had we lost it. Problem was, even if we won, we were still going to have to face the Cubs – oh, those formidable Cubs – if we wanted to get to the World Series. (Editor’s note: Lions and tigers and…cubs. Oh, brother).
And then a funny, unexpected thing happened: the Dodgers beat them.
So, Pat Burrell has finally landed. On the Tampa Bay Rays. Guess Pat’s like one of those cougar widows who only dates money (Editor’s note: Comparable analogy to a middle-aged free agent who signs with the other team in the World Series? You be the judge). Though maybe this wasn’t completely about money, seeing as Burrell only ended up getting a two-year, 16 million dollar deal, both down in years and dinero from his original request. Oh, and he’ll likely DH.
I wonder…if the Phillies had suspected they could have gotten Burrell back at that contract, would they have given Raul Ibanez three years and 31.5 million? Continue reading →
(Editor’s note: Ah, New Year’s. A time of year for all of the various articles handing out “best-of-the-year” awards to come pouring out. Not to be outdone, The Pundit has joined in the holiday tradition with his first annual “Punny Awards.” One quick note: These awards will not include the current Flyers, Sixers, or any of the college basketball teams. Everything will be from teams that played the majority of their season in 2008. On to the awards!)
Award shows are really where it’s at. I mean, they’re so ridiculous. Famous audience members pretending to not posture for the camera. Cheesy video montages. And, my favorite, the poorly scripted and unenthusiastically delivered introductions to each award by disinterested celebrities who are probably half-tanked. I think that’s how we’ll run the Punnies.
And so, with that in mind, please put your hands together for Samuel L. Jackson, who will be presenting the Punny for Quote of the Year. Continue reading →