So, my initial goal for the Olympics was to do at least 8 liveblogs, setting the word record for each. Sadly, I fear I will be falling painfully short of my goal (Editor’s note: Surely the masses will mourn). Anyway, enough of my Preramble (Editor’s note: Oh, he’s so punny) and on to the liveblogging.
8:13 PM: So we’re starting out the evening with hurdles, which are kind of like car racing: you’re into the race, but secretly you’re hoping for an epic crash. (Editor’s note: My last epic crash involved Atlantic City, approxiametly 7 Red Bull and vodka’s, and a nightcap with a woman named Trixie).
8:19 PM: Early candidate for name of the night: Lolo “Rolo” Jones, US Women’s 110M hurdler. Okay, so I gave her the nickname, but she’s smooth and milk chocolatey, so I think it fits. (Editor’s note: Whiteboy’s got jokes).
8:21 PM: “Rolo” Jones kicks butt in the first semifinal heat. She just made a new fan.
8:25 PM: A crash on the first hurdle in the second semifinal for Susanna Kallur of Sweden. Luckily, she seems alright. So, the hurdles were excellent: one great name, all three Americans moved to the finals, and one crash (albeit not epic, but also without serious injury). What else could you ask for from hurdles?
8:31 PM: The “experts” are weighing in on Mr. Bolt’s celebration at the end his 100M victory. You know, when he hit his chest once and put out his arms. Was it unsportsmanlike? Was he mocking his opponents? Or did he have some mucous in his lungs he was trying to loosen? Who gives a crap?
8:33 PM: My God, Bolt is fast. He looked like he could have won his 200M semifinal by a few seconds had he kept his throttle up. Dude can jet. Oh, and Usain Bolt is definitely in the running for name of the night. (Editor’s note: A sprinter with the last name of Bolt – he automatically gets the award).
8:38 PM: The announcer just said, “Dix has got something inside of him.” Heh heh. (Editor’s note: Sad. And it doesn’t even really make sense if you think about it).
8:39 PM: Dix qualified for the final. I guess you could say he rose for the occasion. (Editor’s note: Oh, I bet he totally just came up with that).
8:43 PM: Good grief, an Irish dude just won a 200M semifinal. And in other news, a basketball player from Great Britain is favored in this year’s Slam Dunk Contest.
8:49 PM: Pole vaulting is so cool. Sure, they look a bit silly while running with the pole, but you would look ridiculous hoisting around a huge pole too (Editor’s note: Speak for yourself, buddy).
9:00 PM: It’s beach volleyball! With Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh! I’m excited! Don’t you want to murder the person who invented exclamation points?!
9:04 PM: Kerri Walsh doesn’t have her kinesiology tape on. I can’t believe the broadcasters haven’t educated us with an elaborate conversation as to why she’s gone away from the tape. Is her shoulder better? Did she think it became uncool after all of the other players started posing off of her style? (Editor’s note: We need answers, people!).
9:09 PM: LeBron and Kobe are taking in the action. What’s with the two of them showing up everywhere together? They were watching Phelps together. They interviewed together. Now, it’s beach volleyball together. I mean, I understand team cohesion and all, but at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them taking in a steeplechase race, holding hands and smiling at each other’s corny jokes. (Editor’s note: Alright, let’s not get carried away).
9:16 PM: May/Walsh are up 18-7. In an Olympic semifinal against a highly touted Brazilian team. They’re ridiculous.
9:20 PM: May/Walsh win their first set 21-12. A bit disappointing has been the lack of terrible nicknames involved in the match, such as “thin beast.” That’s right, Dalhausser, I didn’t forget about your maniacal moniker (Editor’s note: I would have gone with “asinine alias”).
9:24 PM: A kinesiology tape reference! I knew the coverage couldn’t last without mentioning it at least once.
9:30 PM: I don’t understand why anyone would try to spike on Walsh. She blocks just about every spike attempt, but seems susceptible to finesse shots lifted above her or to her side. (Editor’s note: This scouting report brought to you by The Pattison Pundit, pretending to be an expert in beach volleyball since 10 minutes ago).
9:41 PM: May and Walsh win again. Same old, same old.
9:46 PM: Okay, so apparentely there is a Woman’s Trampoline final (Editor’s note: Does anyone know what time the slip-and-slide race is being broadcast?).
9:47: Right, so this whole trampoline thing is actually pretty sick. The woman who just went, Karen Cockburn (Editor’s note: it’s prounounced Coh-burn, assholes) had a ridiculous routine. Much cooler than I anticipated.
9:58 PM: He Wenna takes home the Gold for China with a nasty display of flippant bravado (Editor’s note: Groan). China brought their game face to these games, at least in the acrobatic events.
10:10 PM: We’ve moved on to Men’s Rings. I think I see Vince Vaughn lighting a cigarette during his warm-up. He’s got to be the favorite here (Editor’s note: This super funny movie reference brought to you by The Pattison Pundit, an expert in making entertaining movie quips since never).
10:24 PM: Not too much to report on Men’s Rings. These guys are ridiculously jacked, I feel excessively lazy watching them perform their feats of strength, and the moves don’t have funny names. Except for the Victorian, an unbelievably difficult and rarely seen move in which the gymnast positions his body parallel to the ground with his chest up, as opposed to the more traditional back up parallel hold (Editor’s note: I know there’s a Victorian joke in there I’m missing).
10:37 PM: On to the semifinals of the Woman’s 400M Hurdles. Queen Harrison is my girl; she doesn’t take anyone’s flak, you can see it on her face. Represent, girl.
10:40 PM: Oh crap. Queen Harrison didn’t qualify for the final. I jinxed her. Queen – I’m sorry (Editor’s note: What a jerk).
10:44 PM: It’s a vault-off! It’s our own Jenn Stuczynski vs. Russian World Record holder Yelena Isinbayeva in the Women’s Pole Vault Final.
10:47 PM: So, after hyping the pole vaulting showdown, NBC goes to commercial break and returns with…the Men’s 400M Hurdles final. Um, okay.
10:50 PM: US sweeps the Hurdles! Booyah. Angleo Taylor wins Gold, Kerron Clement takes Silver, and Bershawn Jackson, nicknamed Batman (Editor’s note: The Dark Flight?), takes Bronze. Good work, fellas.
10:55 PM: And now to the Women’s Uneven Bars Final, where Nastia Liukin looks to continue her already stellar games with Gold.
10:59 PM: He Kexin of China, age 7 (Editor’s note: I mean, she’s listed at 16, but let’s be serious…) is first to go. Or at least be broadcast. Of course I already accidentally stumbled upon the results on the Internet this morning, which really pissed me off, but its still absurd watching these girls flip and fly all over the place.
11:07 PM: Kexin’s routine was absurd. Liukin’s routine was absurd. Why, I don’t even know how you could differentiate between the two of them…
11:09 PM: Wait a second – they’re tied at 16.725. How can this be? And how did Liukin end up in second? Well, I’m sure NBC and their crack staff of commentators will eventually explain how this could happen, other then the obvious “home-mat advantage.”
11:13 PM: So far, the only explanation has been that the IOC has a computer program that, in the event of a tie, automatically identifies the criteria to be used as the tiebreaker. Thankfully, that extremely vague explanation does absolutely nothing for anyone.
11:17 PM: China’s Yang Yilin, age 8 1/2, up next on the bars.
11:19 PM: She only gets a 16.65, and we’re still “tied” for Gold. Still no idea what the specific criteria for the tiebreaker is.
11:24 PM: Apparentely, Australia’s judge docked Liukin more points than she docked Kexin, which cost her the Gold. So, I guess a gymnast’s highest and lowest score is taken away. If it is still tied after that, they take away the next lowest. After that, Kexin had two 9.1’s and a 9.0, while Liukin had two 9.0’s and a 9.1. It’s something like that. Yeah, not a big fan of both the Olympic Gymnastics’ tiebreaking procedure and the Australian judge. (Editor’s note: Kexin and Liukin each earned a Gold, so do what’s right, and give them each what they deserve).
11:42: Ahhhhh, finally back to the Women’s Pole Vault Final, where Stuczynski can’t hold off Isinbayeva, who sets another world record. We get to see all of three vaults. Pretty anticlimactic coverage. And on another anticlimactic note, I think I’m just about liveblogged out. It’s been fun.