Stardate 042609. Feeling quite pleased with the Phillies three-game sweep of the Marlins. Truly filleted their bullpen. Opportunistic bats storm to the forefront. Jamie Moyer doesn’t drink cocktails, he sips from the fountain of youth. Cameron Maybin looks like a lost puppy at the plate. Raul Ibanez is the only man on the planet who has my full-fledged support to sport the soul patch. Need – desperately – to get tickets for next weekend’s series against the Mets.
And so our journey begins. Surely, there was no way to get tickets directly through the Phillies. Other mediums had to be explored, and thus, my roommate Lucy and I were forced into the most despicable of predicaments – dealing with online scalpers.
What a depraved, dishonest and dispassionate man the online scalper is. Hording away tickets that otherwise well-intentioned fans might purchase in order to make himself a buck. It’s bad enough that the Phillies have begun to attract teeny-boppers and frat boys who experiment with steroids, all attending in the name of “making the scene”; now, an honest fan can’t even buy a damn ticket at face value. Where were you during the Gregg Jeffries’ years, you bandwagon barbarians? Playing twister with all of the pink-jersey’d Eagles groupies, I’d imagine.
Though I will suffer them so long as they yell loudly when the real fans yell, and don’t make a complete mockery of the True Philadelphia Fan by stooping to the level of mindless marauder, feeding into the Exploitative National Media’s stock definition of our people.
That I cannot tolerate.
So Mr. Favre is retiring…again. Right. I’ll believe it when the Jets (Editor’s note: Or Vikings and Bears, for that matter) take their first snap without him next season. It’s probably time that Brett “The Gritman” Favre took his leave – his last few years in the league have been clouded by too much controversy and conflict. It kind of hampered the whole “boyish exuberance” thing he had going for him out on the field.
And that’s why we all loved him, wasn’t it?
So, in honor of Favre’s “retirement,” I’ve come up with some other news of the ol’ double-quote variety. We’ll call it the “Broken News.” In other words, here are some headlines that you would probably be wary of, and likely doubt almost instantly, were you to read them in the paper or on your computer. To the back page!
Pac-Man Jones claims he’s cleaned up act, changed lifestyle
O.J. Simpson swears he’s innocent
Of anything. It doesn’t matter what – you wouldn’t believe him. He could say he was black, and you wouldn’t believe him. Nope, you would just shake your head at him in disappointed disbelief, the same way your grandparents did when they knew you were lying.
Accused Ballplayer X denies knowing substances were banned, insists everyone was doing it.
Eagles Front Office, Andy Reid says team is “close” Continue reading
I mean, this time, the Cardinals had to make the late-game comeback. This time, Larry Fitzgerald made the huge touchdown catch that likely had people across the country thinking the Cards were gonna win this game. This time, it was Kurt Warner who had to watch on the sidelines as the other team drove down the field and took the lead.
I don’t care if it’s vengeful – damn, did that finish feel good. Continue reading
If you haven’t been following the Julius Peppers situation, this article gives the full recount. In brief, Peppers wants out of Carolina, and part of his reasoning was that he wants to move from a 3-4 defense to a 4-3. Or, in the very least, to a different system.
Right. That’s the reason. Because despite the fact that he’s the ideal model of a 4-3 defensive end, the real reason he wants to leave Carolina is to play the 3-4.
Bull. He wants out. Like all of their assistant coaches. Continue reading
Quick comparison: He Got Game vs. Above the Rim. Both center around the lives of superstar high-school basketball players raised in the inner-city. However, each focuses on a different stage in the player’s personal development – He Got Game is about the corrupt politics of the recruiting system, and how a young basketball player’s life becomes a commodity to countless people. Above the Rim, however, focuses on how the cruel realities – and influences – of the streets can cause many young men, with great potential, to leave it underdeveloped, and largely, unrecognized.
Here, in a scene from Above the Rim, Birdie, played by the late Tupac Shakur, pulls a razor blade out of his mouth. Or, he does some kind of magic trick where he makes it look as though he pulled a razor blade out of his mouth. I'm just a whiteboy originally from the 'burbs - I don't know how these things go.
Wait a second – why in the hell am I talking about this? Continue reading
By now, I’m sure you know what beer goggles are. If not, I guess you’ve been living under a rock for quite some time or something. (Editor’s note: Kudos for surviving that predicament, by the way). Anyway, the fine folks over at Urban Dictionary do a wonderful job of defining this occurrence.
1. Beer Goggles
Phenomenon in which one’s consumption of alcohol makes physically unattractive persons appear beautiful.
And we haven't even gotten into liquor goggles
There is something similar in sports. I call them “Cheer Goggles.” Essentially, one can be said to be wearing Cheer Goggles when one is Continue reading