Here at The Pattison Pundit, The Pundit has always been intrigued by the always insightful and wildly entertaining sideline reports during sporting events. These little dalliances to the side of the action, though often lacking relevance, offer a break from the normal pattern of a sporting broadcast. They are sublime in their brevity, deft in their specificity, and unintentionally pompous in an unassuming manner. (Editor’s note: Um, how about this: they’re mildly annoying in their unnecessary and barely informative nature? When did The Pundit become James Lipton?)
Keeping this in mind, the Pundit has decided to introduce a new segment: The Sideline Report, brought to you by our very own Sideline Reporter. He will scour the web, searching for subsidiary information you absolutely, most likely do not need to know. Hooray. Without further ado, put your hands together for The Sideline Reporter!
Thanks Pun. I look forward to working with you this year, I’m ready for a great season of blogging. Let’s start with a couple of teams that aren’t currently in the action, the Sixers and the Flyers. As many of you may well know, Hip-Hop, the Sixers mascot, suffered a knee injury back in August. The Sixers remain mum about the full extent of the injury, however, causing many people to wonder what the Sixers mascot status will be when their season opens. (Editor’s note: Who is worrying about this, exactly?) I have reached out to several sources (Editor’s note: Their website), and all remain in doubt as to the health of Hip-Hop. Stay posted.
The Flyers are reaching out to all of you mothers out there. They are sponsoring a Hockey Mom promotion, where mothers can send in posters they have created supporting the Flyers. Anyone participating will receive a special tube of Flyers lipstick! (Editor’s note: Shaded in black and blue, it will make your lips appear fat and swollen!) The finalists will get tickets to the Flyers opener, and the winner will get a makeover on Fox’s Good Day Philadelphia. (Editor’s note: It will be an official Flyers makeover, where the winner will be pounded on her ankles by hockey sticks, be pummeled until she has bruises on her face and is missing several teeth, and will be given a fake playoff beard). Go ahead ladies: give it your best shot.
Don’t worry, Philadelphia fans: the National Media hasn’t forgotten about you. Bill Simmons, responding to a question in his mailbag about whether or not he would absorb Tom Brady’s injury (he wouldn’t), threw out this Philly tidbit:
But let’s say you’re my friend Mike Tollin, a die-hard Philly fan who’s a little older than me and has older kids. If the Mets and Phillies were tied with a week to go and Ryan Howard’s wrist was broken by a pitch, would Mike do the switcheroo and take the broken wrist? Well, I called him and here was his first response:
“The left one or the right one?”
We talked it out for a few minutes and Mike ultimately decided he would sacrifice the left wrist in any scenario, but he’d sacrifice the right wrist only if he was guaranteed a World Series trip because, “That’s my writing hand, my BlackBerry hand and my shaving hand … and I wouldn’t be able to play basketball for six weeks … although I guess I could run …” For all I know, he’s still debating it. I’m going out on a limb and saying Philly needs to win a title soon. For everyone’s sake.
Billy, you won’t find an argument from this Sideline Reporter. Hell, I would have given my left nut to John Kruk (Editor’s note: Awwwwww, not cool).
The Eagles have 15 new cheerleaders on the squad, causing concerns as to the experience of this unit this year. Can they live up to the rigors of a full NFL season? Should the Eagles have tried to acquire cheerleaders from a different team? Aren’t they lovely? We’ll have to monitor this unit carefully throughout the course of the season to see if they can live up to expectations. (Editor’s note: I will personally commit myself to monitoring this unit; I’ll keep a discerning eye on their every move).