(Editor’s note: The Pundit had to run out of town, so his Heisman article is going to be replaced by his secretary Lucy’s experience on The Dating Game. Yeah, they brought it back. Here are the questions she proposed to her three mystery guys – maybe you can guess who they are. Good luck. )
Lucy: Contestant number one, what would we do on our first date?
Contestant Number One: Well, I really like to spread my money around, so I would take you to a really expensive restaurant. I’m a high-roller, that’s just my style. And I would probably buy you a gaudy, expensive gift and give it to you before dinner. Kind of like the 48 gifts I gave out to my teammates this season.
Lucy: Oooooh, I like the sound of that so far. Contestant Number Two, what is the first word you would use to describe yourself, and why?
Contestant Number Two: Consistent. When I say I’m going to do something, I do it, and I do it well. You always know what you are going to get from me, and I almost always deliver it. Kind of like how I delivered and completed 77.6 percent of my passes this season.
Lucy: I like a man I can count on. Contestant Number Three, I also like a man who has goals to reach. What are some of the goals you’ve already reached, and which do you have left to accomplish?
Contestant Number Three: Well, actually Lucy, I already won this contest last year. Let’s just say I offered things that had never been offered before, if you catch my drift. I would love to win again this year, but I have my goals set higher these days. After a rough trip to Mississippi, I decided that I was going to be the best I could, and that my team had better follow suit. I think they’ll tell you that I did my part, only throwing two interceptions all season.
Lucy: Contestant Number Three, you seem like a leader. Is that true, and what makes you a good leader?
Number Three: I try to be the best leader I can be. I think my versatility, durability, poise and passion for what I do translate to success. Many times, my coaches have said that I don’t always put up the best numbers, but there is something about the way I work that is just special. They say I have “it.” I appreciate the compliment, but really, I’m just trying to do my best. And I don’t think that accounting for 40 total touchdowns and 3,079 total yards from scrimmage is all too shabby, either.
Lucy: Sounds to me like you are a winner, Number Three. Contestant Number Two, let’s say we were on a date, and Contestant Number One came up and started hitting on me. What would you do?
Number Two: I would take him outside, man-to-man, head-to-head, and I would whip his sorry butt, that’s what I would do. And if he brought his boys, I’d bring mine, and me and my boys would whip all their butts! And we would be the better men for it, even if no one gave us credit for doing so.
Lucy: Oh, an old-fashioned, rugged man. You sound a little bit dangerous, Number Two, and it turns me on. Contestant Number One, do you think Contestant Number Two could kick your butt?
Number One: Maybe a few months ago, yeah, I’ll bet he could have. But right now, I think I would whup his tail. Me and my boys have been kicking a lot of butt lately. We’ve outscored our last five opponents 316-139, scoring over 60 in each of them. All knockouts, by the way. And against some pretty good opponents, including the second-ranked team in the country. Me and the boys, we’ve gotten tougher.
Lucy: I’m a knock-out myself. Think you could last a few rounds with me?
Number One: Oh, I think so. I’m a high-roller, baby – I know how to treat a woman. And I don’t let up when I get going. Kind of like how I’ve thrown for 4,464 yards this season – I never take it easy. The gifts keep on coming when you roll with me.
Lucy: I’ve got to say, you are very flashy, Number One – you know what a girl likes, and you seem to deliver it. I’m very impressed by all of the numbers you throw around. Contestant Number Two, you don’t seem as flashy – how do you compete with all of those numbers?
Number Two: You may not always get the gaudy gifts from me, but I’ll do anything it takes to make you happy. Ask my teammates – I’ve accounted for 4,021 total yards from scrimmage this year, and 576 of them I rushed for own my own. Which, by the way, is more than Contestant Number Three rushed for. That, and I accounted for 42 total touchdowns, while completing all of those passes. And truthfully, I don’t think I was working with quite the playmakers that the other two contestants had.
Lucy: Nobody has to hold your hand, Number Two. You sure do handle your business. Contestant Number Three, any retort to what Contestant Number Two just said?
Number Three: Let’s just say that I’m doing my job in a much tougher neighborhood then these two are. Neither one faced the type of defenses I faced. In fact, I played against six top-25 defenses this year, and nine in the top 30. In my six games against top-25 defenses, I led my team to a 5-1 record. I threw for 13 touchdowns, ran for another four, and didn’t throw a single interception in those games. My opponents may have put up fun numbers, but they received very little resistance. Contestant Number one only played against one top-25 defense, and only three of his opponents were even ranked, defensively, in the top 50. And Contestant Number Two didn’t even play a single top-50 defense!
Lucy: Hard to argue with. Got anything, Contestant Number Two?
Number Two: Well, they say the best defense is a good offense. In my league, offense ruled the day, and I put up a whole lot of it. The defenses may not have been good, but you still had to outscore the other offense. And honestly, my 4,021 total yards, 42 touchdowns, and 77.6 completion percentage trumps your 3,079 total yards, 40 total TD’s and 64.9% completion percentage. Easily.
Number Three: How about the five less interceptions I threw, finishing the season with an unheard of two? I only threw two interceptions this year!
Number Two: Sure, you threw five less interceptions – in 107 less passing attempts!
Lucy: Okay, guys, hold on, all of these numbers are starting to confuse me…
Number One: Numbers? You two want to talk about numbers? Ahahaha, I destroy each of you in the numbers department. I threw for 4,464 yards, more than either of you accounted for running and passing, combined. I tossed 48 TD passes, and ran for five more. I only threw six interceptions in 442 attempts, and I completed 68.3 percent of my passes. Neither of you can touch me in numbers.
Lucy: No more talking about numbers! I can’t take it anymore! It’s about more than numbers. It’s about more than where your team finished in the standings. And yes, it’s more than whether or not you seem to have that special “it” factor. See, when I pick a man, I look for diversity. Sure, I like the nice things in life, like a man with a nice car and house, one that buys me a bunch of nice gifts. What girl wouldn’t like that?
But I also like a man I know has survived the tough times, is battle-tested. I don’t want somebody who accomplishes a lot when he isn’t offered resistance, then folds when the sledding gets tough. And I like a man who does a lot on his own, and finds creative ways to overcome the challenges he faces. So with that, I’ve made my decision, and trust me, it was tough. Contestant Number Two, I choose you!
Colt McCoy: Yesssssss! It isn’t a shot for the National Championship, but I’ll take it. I would like to thank…
Lucy: Shut up Colt, I’m not done yet. Contestant Number One, Mr. Sam Bradford, you put up ridiculous numbers, I won’t deny that. But you also had more playmakers to work with than the other two guys, and their versatility, being able to beat teams both through the air and on the ground, makes them more well-rounded players than you. Maybe you’re a better quarterback, but I think they are better players, and the Heisman is supposed to go to the best player in the country. Sorry, Sam.
As for you, Number Three, Mr. Tim Tebow, it was very tough not giving you this award again. You have sacrificed some of your own personal stats to become a better game-manager, and you were a very good one. 40 total touchdowns with only two interceptions is incredible, and I congratulate you on an amazing season.
But Mr. McCoy’s numbers trumped your own, and his leadership, versatilaty, and value to his team trumped the advantage Mr. Bradford had over him in the statistics department. Accounting for 4,021 yards, 576 of them on the ground, and 42 total touchdowns, is very impressive. Completing 77.6 percent of all your passes is absolutely unbelievable, and that paired with your paltry seven interceptions leads me to believe that you would have performed well against tougher defenses.
You were a game-manager at all times, and a playmaker when your team needed one. You were one ridiculous touchdown catch away from leading your team to the National Championship Game. And no, that game wasn’t on a neutral field, it was on the road. To me, you were the most complete football player of the three in the Heisman running, and hence, you were my choice. Whew…I’m spent. Okay – who wants to buy me a drink?