Goodness gracious, I’ve just realized something rather vital – I haven’t addressed the latest “Chad Johnson to the Eagles” rumors. I should have jumped all over this breaking news from the hearsay spin-cycle. Silly me.
Truth be told, I would totally be down for a little Chad Ocho Cinco in my life. Which is his legal name, by the way. I’m going to go self-retro here and bring back something I wrote way back in August about the ridiculous concept of Chad Johnson legally changing his name.
Chad Johnson is nuts. Oh wait, I’m sorry, I meant to say Chad Ocho Cinco. Yup, he legally changed his name. The worst part is, I don’t even think it’s the correct translation of 85. That would be ochenta y cinco. I refuse to call him this – from now on, he will be referred to on this site as The Human Being Formerly Known as Chad Johnson, THBFKCJ for short. (Editor’s note: I only wanted to see you underneath the purple rain). Be forewarned, as I may be about to blow this way out of proportion, but I think this is reflective of sports these days, in that its seems as though we are straying so far away from the game itself. I know, I know, at the end of the day, it’s a business, and THBFKCJ is just marketing himself. And I recognize the inherent irony in addressing THBFKCJ’s decision to change his name – I’m playing into his marketing ploy to keep himself in the spotlight. Whatever. When you are willing to change your name to the improper Spanish translation of your football number in order to market yourself, something sad has just occurred. If he ever gets traded, will he change his first name to the team he was traded to? Would you root for Eagles Ocho Cinco? Will people start changing their names to advertise products? (Editor’s note: Hi, I’m Zim Crack Cream, and I have a drinking problem. Hi, Zim.) I know how the old saying goes – what’s in a name? Well, apparently not dignity. Okay, enough ranting, I have to go get a “Love Classified” tattooed on my forehead so I can pick up chicks at bars. (Editor’s note: How is he going to fit “Enjoys long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners and weeping profusely during ‘The Notebook’” on his forehead?)
Ah, what a cynical Pundit I was back in August. If the Eagles are able to bring THBFKCJ into the fold, it would make their offense far more dynamic. Am I still leaning toward Anquan Boldin, or Braylon Edwards for that matter? Yeah, but sadly, I think the price will ultimately be way too high for either of them, whereas Johnson may come a bit more cheap. (First and a fifth? Maybe even a second and a fourth?)
But I haven’t quit on you yet, Anquan – I’m just hedging my bets, is all.
I went crazy on the football rumors about a month ago, and though it was good for ratings, it really isn’t the sort of thing I want to do here all the time. It’s all just unfounded whispers anyhow, agents trying to align the public behind a player to up said players value, teams floating names around to see if they can drive up the price, and we all fall for it in the hopes of jumping on a scoop and getting our readers excited.
The game behind the game.
But Johnson would work here. He’s a hell of a player, and he has the sort of showmanship and personality that would excite (though certainly frustrate at times) the Philly faithfuls. And I think he would really work in our offense. Only time will tell if Mr. THBFKCJ will wear the midnight green.
And wouldn’t you love to hear Merrill Reese yell, “Toooouuuuuuccccchhhhhhdooooowwwwwnnnn, Chad Ocho Cinco!”
Followed, of course, by Mike Quick saying, “Merrill, I think that was the ‘Taco Bell – That’s Nacho Ball, It’s Mine’ Catch of the Game.”
The possibilities are endless.