Liveblogging the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show? Hey, I could use a good laugh…

Don’t worry, fans – I’ll throw a whole lot of Villanova vs. Marquette in here as well. Fact is, I just kind of need a break from football rumors, baseball cheaters, etc. And, quite frankly, the Dog Show is pretty entertaining. For one thing, a Chinese Shar-Pei sort of resembles Mike Tyson.

The face of a dog that would eat your children? Look closely...

The face of a dog that would eat your children? Look closely...

Plus, the commentary is always ridiculous. For example, last night, one of the dogs was described as “enjoying a good romp – as often as possible.”

Well…that makes two of us then, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I’ll start on the ‘Nova game around 7:30, then segue into the start of the Show around 8. Act like you aren’t hyped.

6:23 PM – If this can’t get you pumped up for a good ol’ dog show – well, I couldn’t really blame you. But it friggin’ cracks me up.

7:24 PM – Sadly, there will be no Erin Andrews for the ‘Nova/Marquette game. She’s doing Michigan/Michigan State. Life isn’t fair.

7:47 PM – Oh, baby, this should be a beauty of a game. At the 13:52 mark, it’s 16-13, and both offenses have been executing nicely. A lot of energy going around, very scrappy game – this is what college basketball is all about.

7:51 PM – Dude, ESPN is the worst. They have scrolling commentary from the fans flashing across the top of the screen – why do I need to see this? Shoot, its bad enough that everybody is doing all of that liveblogging these days…

7:54 PM – Why are they making another Friday the 13th? How unoriginal have we become as a society, that we have to constantly remake everything? And let’s not even get started on reality TV…

7:59 PM – Marquette is 7-9 from beyond the arc. That’s ridiculous.

8:00 PM – Marquette is 8-10 from beyond the arc now. I’m not sure when they last missed a shot.

8:08 PM – Over to the Dog Show for a minute, where we start with the Sporting Group. I love watching them jog around the floor – not to see the dogs, but because of the ridiculous gait of every handler.

8:12 PM – And Scottie Reynolds drains a three from waaaay out – I think he took that shot from Abington.

8:16 PM – And our savvy announcer, Mary Carillo, just admitted that she is always outwitted by her dog. I really wish they had Fred Willard doing this.

8:23 PM – 50-45 ‘Nova at the half. What a game – I love watching Villanova play basketball.

8:27 PM – Dude, the Clumber Spaniel totally looks stoned. Hahaha, he is baked!

They totally just hotboxed their doggy house.

They totally just hotboxed their doggy house.

8:39 PM – I love the PA announcer that describes the different breeds. Here was a description for one of the dogs: “He can also be clownish, stubborn, and demanding of attention.” Christ, that sounds exactly like me.

8:45 PM – Dante Cunningham is 18 for his last 24 from the floor, going back to his 31-point game against Syracuse. Nasty.

8:51 PM – Oh boy – the Sussex Spaniel is the best of the Sporting Group. I have to say, the Sussex has a hell of a lot of personality. He was a crowd favorite from the very beginning. Jeez, I’m actually starting to get into this…

sussex_spaniel

9:02 PM – Ah, the Toy Group. They aren’t dogs – they’re over-pampered rats. And the Toy Group judge is Fred Bassett. Really? That’s his name? Oh brother.

9:07 PM – And Scottie Reynolds drains one this time from Bucks County, now has 21 for the game. This is one of, if not the most exciting college basketball game I have watched all year. 76-64 ‘Nova, ten minutes to go.

9:09 PM – OH BABY! Dominique James from Marquette just slammed home a nasty, one-handed alley-oop. Dude is five-eleven, and he got eye-level with the rim! Ridiculous.

9:14 PM – Wow, the Chinese Crested has the fashion sense of Amy Winehouse. Seriously. Very odd.

Compare...

Compare...

...and contrast.

...and contrast.

9:27 PM – Dude, the Pekingese is absurd. That’s all I can say – absurd.

pekingese_04a

9:35 PM – One of the dogs just made a kicking motion with its back legs, similar to the motion a dog might make right before its about to lay a deuce. Which prompted me to ask my friend, a dog-lover, whether or not a dog ever shit at the Westminster, and if that disqualified the dog. It did not – she said everyone just felt bad for the dog, who got spooked. I ask you this – where else, other than a dog show, can you take a crap in the middle of a room full of people, and have everyone just feel bad for you?

9:38 PM – Looks like ‘Nova has this one wrapped up – they’re up 97-84 with under two minutes remaining. Another big win against a ranked opponent; this is a team I don’t think anyone is going to want to see come the Tournament.

9:56 PM – And now, the Working Class – these are the big boys. I love these dogs, especially contrasted with the damn toy group.

10:01 PM – Here’s a fun description for the Doberman Pinscher by David Frei: “An elegant athlete in a tight-fitting wrapper.” I’m not even sure what that means.

10:06 PM – Another fun comment from Mary, this time directed toward a Great Pyrenees: “I love the big paws.” You know what they say about a dog with big paws…

10:15 PM – “Rottweilers are the middle linebackers of the dog world,” quips David. And that would make the Saint Bernard a defensive tackle, I suppose.

eb_paws_2

10: 20 PM – Which would leave the Siberian Husky to play wideout. Yup, we got ourselves a team.

10:25 PM – I realize, watching a relative upset (in my opinion) in the Working Class, that I have absolutely no idea how this damn thing is being judged. Very complicated, and detailed per breed I’m sure. I just like seeing the dogs. I could care less about the actual competition of the thing. I would never bet on this – very torturous.

10:31 PM – Dude, the Mastercard commercial where all of the food logos get together for dinner is really friggin’ creepy. I mean, the Tuna serves…Tuna Casserole! What is wrong with that demented, twisted, unfeeling Tuna? What a bastard!

10:35 PM – So, they essentially sequester the Best in Show judge. What a life.

10:40 PM – Ohhh, baby – it’s Best in Show time. This is what we came for; this is when the big dogs are separated from the mutts. I’m pulling for the Puli, which resembles Whoppi Goldberg’s head.

Isn't that the nun in Sister Act?

Isn't that the nun in Sister Act?

10:47 PM – The tension is high – dogs everywhere are gathering around their televisions, pawing the floor in anxious anticipation. Who will it be? What breed will represent for its brothers and sisters? Which dog will buckle under the pressure and crap on the floor? So many questions…

10:54 PM – IT’S THE SUSSEX SPANIEL, STUMP! What a great story Stump is – the oldest dog ever to win the Westminster, who almost died a few years ago. Thankfully, he was revived at Texas A&M, and now takes center stage as the Best in Show. What a feel good story; what a victory of perseverance, wisdom and experience. You have to love the underdog. Though I was pulling for the Puli, I am very happy for Stump. Here’s to Stump – we salute you, and we salute your resolve. You are the BEST IN SHOW!

11:00 PM – And to close the Westminster Dog Show, I leave you with this comment from my friend, after first laying eyes on Mary Carillo.

“Holy shit – I thought she was a man this whole time.”

Ahahahahahaha.

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