Breaking News! The Pundit admits to using Typing Enhancing Drugs!

(Editor’s note: In a shocking turn of events, The Pattison Pundit, after accusations of taking Typing Enhancing Drugs by Original Magazine, has agreed to an interview with the direct competitor of Original Magazine, Senior Worldwide. The interview is reprinted below.)

Senior Worldwide: Mr. Pundit – have you taken Typing Enhancing Drugs?

Pattison Pundit: I have. When I first started doing this blog in August, I was under a great deal of stress to perform at a high level on a daily basis. I mean, I told a bunch of people I was going to be writing a blog – I didn’t want to look like an idiot. I just really wanted to be one of the greatest bloggers of all time. And the thing was, way back then, it was just a different culture. You have to understand – August was a different culture. It was – loosey goosey. And you know, I was young. And I was stupid. And I was naive. And I was stupid. And I deeply regret my actions, and I would like to apologize to my handful of readers. You know, I have a handful of readers out there; and they’ll probably never look at me quite the same.

Senior Worldwide: What drugs were you taking?

Pattison Pundit: Well, you know, that’s the thing, Senior – I’m not really sure. You know, I’m obviously guilty of negligence here, of not paying more attention to what I was putting in my body. That was just the culture of the time; stuff was just going around, you know? And again, I should have been more mature and responsible about knowing what I was putting into my body; besides the fact that I obviously knew I was using a banned substance, of course. But I would like to see these test results; I haven’t even seen these test results. Obviously, I want to know exactly what I tested positive for, so I don’t accidentally admit to using a different substance that didn’t show up on these tests.

Senior Worldwide: Where did you get them from?

Pattison Pundit: You know, that’s a great question for now. “Where” is totally relevant now. But back then, it was more about “What.” The stuff was everywhere – some of it even at the ol’ GNC. Which is my funny way of saying, “There ain’t no way in hell I’m selling anyone out. If I do that, a whole lot more information will probably come out about me.” So, I’ll stick to this story that the stuff was just everywhere, was pretty much accepted by everyone, make myself seem like a very small player in a very big game, and not piss off anyone else who might have more information that might further damage my reputation.

Senior Worldwide: Do you at least recall how the drug was administered?

Pattison Pundit: I do – I took injections directly into my fingers.

Senior Worldwide: How do you think the injections aided your performance?

Pattison Pundit: Listen, I would love to avoid this question by instead placing the focus on all of the great months of blogging I had when I was not injecting my fingers with a banned substance. But let’s be real – for one, I was able to type much faster than I ever had been before, helping me to put out more posts in less time. And my fingers never, ever got sore – I could just type non-stop, seemingly for days on end. Even if they did eventually get sore, they would recover in half the time they normally did. I mean, it was awesome. But always remember – injecting my fingers with whatever banned substance I used didn’t give me the ability to write. Nope, it just gave me the ability to write much more efficiently, without wearing down after strenuous months of finger-mashing. We’re just talking about more words and more posts, consistently, over a longer period of time. Nothing more than that.

Senior Worldwide: How long were you injecting the banned substance?

Pattison Pundit: From August until October of this year. Because I’m pretty sure that can be proven. So for now, you only need to know about August, September and October. I’m not saying that duration won’t change down the line, but for now, believe me when I say that those months were the only months I was using. Which might be the case, but…well, how the hell could you take me at my word now, anyway?

Worldwide Blogger: Do you think Typing Enhancing Drugs are more prevalent in Philadelphia than in other cities?

Pattison Pundit: No, I don’t want to say that. I mean, I blame the atmosphere of the Philly blogging scene for influencing me to do the banned substances; you have to understand, back in August, it was totally acceptable, a “bloggers gotta do what bloggers gotta do” attitude. But to say that it was only happening in Philly, no, I don’t think that’s true – it was everywhere.

Senior Worldwide: Do you think this will affect your status as a Hall of Fame blogger?

Pattison Pundit: What the hell are you talking about? Is there such a thing? Even if there was, I wouldn’t have a vote; that’s not for me to decide. But I would hope that, years and thousands of posts down the line, three months wouldn’t affect that decision. I mean, I would really, really hope that was the case – I’m pretty damn good, after all.

Senior Worldwide: Would you like the public to be made aware of the other bloggers that have used this substance?

Pattison Pundit: Hell, yeah! Why the hell should I be the only mope getting all the heat for this? But you didn’t hear that from me – I’m just glad this is off my chest. All you need to know is that I worry about myself; I’ll let the blogging community make decisions such as that.

Senior Worldwide: You were asked previously, by Overrated Talking Head, whether or not you did steroids, and you said you absolutely did not. What’s up with that?

Pattison Pundit: Uh, dude…I friggin’ lied. C’mon, isn’t that obvious? What do you want me to say here? What, that because at that time, I wasn’t aware of whether or not my name showed up on the list of bloggers who had tested positive, and thus, I wasn’t sure if the products I took were actually banned in the blogging community? I mean, you wouldn’t believe me even if I had said that, right? I lied – why would I have told the truth at that time? There was no indication that any of this was going to go down, after all.

Senior Worldwide: Who do you think the sources were that Original Magazine got their information from?

Pattison Pundit: You know, Senior, I really should say that I don’t know, and that it doesn’t matter. But believe me – I’m wracking my brain, trying to determine who might want to screw me. It could have been someone who legitimately wants to break the whole Typing Enhancing Drug story wide open, to clean up the art. Or maybe, it is somebody who has a vested interest in making the Bloggers Union look bad.  A lot of the other high-end blogging scandals had become old news – maybe some people were just trying to shake it up again, saw my name on the list, and decided to make an example out of a current blogger. Spread the fear of God, you know? I will say this – I am really friggin’ pissed at the damn Bloggers Union. This was supposed to be inforamation that was destroyed! And now I’m the one who ends up with the tarnished repuatation. Great…just friggin’ great.

Senior Worldwide: Are you really sorry that you took these substances, or do you just wish you hadn’t gotten caught?

Pattison Pundit: I don’t really know. I mean, everyone was doing it, and WordPress wasn’t really…well…well, I’m just sorry I did it. I think. Obviously, I’m totally pissed that I got caught. This is bullshit. But, I mean, everyone was doing it…I was under a lot of pressure…the stuff was practically falling out of the vending machines then. But no, I’m just really sorry I did it – I love blogging, and have the utmost respect for the art. I just have to apologize again to all of my fans. I mean, I still really need the hits. The truth will set you free. Can I go now?

Senior Worldwide: Thanks for the time, Pundit.

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2 Comments

Filed under MLB

2 responses to “Breaking News! The Pundit admits to using Typing Enhancing Drugs!

  1. James Fayleez

    The Pundit should ask for his money back.

  2. And here I’d thought the extent to which A-Rod veered into “I was young, I needed the money” territory had made him unsatirizable.

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