Before I get going on this post, I just want to send my best wishes over to Jim Johnson and his family. Jim, as you’ve probably heard by now, has cancer, a recurring case that this time found it’s way into his spine. Jim, I think I can safely say I speak for all of Philadelphia when I say that you are in our thoughts and our prayers, and we hope that you have a swift and successful recovery.
Alright – on to The Stupor Bowl.
Because, let’s be honest – who gives a shit about this game? I mean, seriously, I just don’t care. The storylines are pretty bland here. Last year, at least you could root against the Patriots. This year? I just can’t find anything to care about.
And thus, I have done the only logical thing I could think to do – devise a drinking game to make the game a bit more, ahem, spirited.
Alright, first of all, everybody picks a team. Try to split this up evenly amongst the crowd. Anytime the team does any of the following things, the people with that team drink for the designated time. (Note: anytime it says “finish your beer,” you must either finish the remainder of your beer or drink for a minimum of six seconds, whichever comes first. And no sipping!)
Force a punt – 3 seconds
Sack – 4 seconds
Force a safety – 5 seconds
Recover a fumble – 5 seconds
Intercept a pass – 5 seconds
Score a defensive touchdown – finish your beer
Kick an extra point – 1 second
Kick a field goal of 40 yards or less – 3 seconds
Kick a field goal of 41-49 yards – 4 seconds
Kick a field goal of 50+ yards – 5 seconds
Score an Offensive touchdown – finish your beer
Score a Special Teams touchdown – finish your beer
Block a punt or field goal attempt – 5 seconds
(Any accomplishment after a two-minute warning adds an additional 3 seconds to the time, unless a touchdown is scored, in which case you must finish your beer regardless)
Obviously, you can adjust these times depending on the crowd you’re with, how crazy the game gets, etc. But choose your team wisely – if you think the game will be a low-scoring affair dominated by the defense, choose the Cardinals as your “Stupor” Bowl team. But if you think it will be a shootout and the Cards will put some points on the board, I’d go with the Stillers.
A few more rules. Anytime any of the below happens during the game, everybody must drink for one second:
John Madden mentions food, the word “tough” is used while the Steelers defense is on the field, Edgerrin James saying he wants to leave the Cardinals after the season is mentioned, Anquan Boldin’s contract dispute is mentioned, Larry Fitzgerald is called the best receiver in the league, they say “Big Ben”, they call him “Fast” Willie Parker, they talk about Whisenhunt as a coordinator for the Stillers, they describe Mike Tomlin as being cool or anything synonymous, they describe Ryan Clark as a “big hitter” or as the “biggest hitter in football”, they mention anything about “Terrible Towels,” they talk about how the Cardinals have never won a Superbowl, they talk about how Pittsburgh is a blue-collar city, they compare this defense to any defense in Steelers history, an instant replay takes place, they bring up Warner’s Arena League past, they talk about the Cardinals as an improbable team to make the Super Bowl, they talk about how Troy Polamalu is an unconvential player and/or guy, they use the words “shut down” when talking about Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, they mention James Harrison being named Defensive Player of the Year.
Alright, I’m sure there are some more you can think of, but that’s all I got for now. Oh, one last thing. If, for whatever reason, John Madden mentions “Turducken,” everybody playing the game must shotgun a fresh beer. No exceptions. The shotgunning may take place during a commercial break.
Alright folks, enjoy. If you’ve got any suggestions or other ways to make this seemingly dull Super Bowl more exciting, leave ’em in the comments. Sometime this weekend I’ll do a brief, and bitter, preview of the game. Go have yourself a bitchin’ weekend, kids.