As noted before, I’m a huge fan of the NFL draft – but it’s way too soon to predict, with any semblance of accuracy, what will actually happen. This is what I came up with instead. (Find Part One here)
17. New York Jets – With the 17th pick, the Jets have selected: A designated scapegoat. Literally, they drafted some guy off of the street for the sole purpose of blaming all of their problems on him. Genius move – why didn’t Mangini think of this?
18. Chicago Bears – With the 18th pick, the Bears have selected: Jim McMahon. And his super cool shades. Why the hell not?
19. Tamp Bay Buccaneers – With the 19th pick, the Bucs have selected: Henry Heimlich. His role will be limited throughout the earlier portion of the season, though they expect he’ll pay major dividends come December. (Editor’s note: Doesn’t Henry Heimlich sound like the most generic name possible? Like, wouldn’t you be shocked to discover some guy named Alex Autopsy? Or how about Michael Missionary?)
20. Detroit Lions (from Dallas) – With the 20th pick, the Lions have selected: Ooooh, and we have our first trade of the day. The Carolina Panthers are sending over their second and fifth-round picks this year, and a first next year for the Lions’ first round pick. The Lions are in full rebuilding mode, stockpiling them draft picks.
20. Carolina Panthers (from Detroit, from Dallas) – So, with the 20th pick in the Mocking Draft, the Carolina Panthers have selected: New uniforms? Hmmm, very interesting. The new color scheme will be done in white and red. Funny, these look an awful lot like Cardinals jerseys….In other news, besides being excited about the new uniforms, Carolina’s front-office has said that they expect Jake Delhomme to put up huge numbers throwing the ball next year. Huh.
21. Philadelphia Eagles – With the 21st pick in the Mocking Draft, the Eagles have selected…hold on, looks like we’re getting another trade here. Oooh, and in a surprising move, the Eagles are trading their first rounder, Kendra Wilkinson and a case of Heineken to the Cowboys for their second-round pick, Jessica Simpson, and Penny Lane. Right. Let’s start this again.
21. Dallas Cowboys (from Philadelphia) – So, with the 21st pick in the Mocking Draft, the Cowboys have selected: Jo Frost from the, ahem, hit ABC show, Super Nanny. In tonight’s episode, Jo attempts to pull TO’s mouth out of his ass, sits Jason Garrett in timeout until he admits he is totally expendable, rocks Tony Romo to sleep by reading him “The Little Engine That Could,” and searches vigorously for the mystery source that is hanging out all of the Cowboys’ dirty laundry. In the episode’s surprising twist, the culprit is Jerry Jones himself, who has been leaking every story to the media. His motive? To constantly keep his team in the spotlight while maintaining control of the various egos on the team by exposing their flaws to the media, thereby making them pubicly accountable for all of the crap that went down behind the scenes. How will Jo fix this mess?
22. Minnesota Vikings – With the 22nd pick, the Vikings select: Johnny Drama. I mean, you know why. Besides, the Vikings are boring – this is the best I could do. Maybe I could have gone Williams Wall, but I think they end up walking on this one. And Tarvaris Jackson? Eh, too easy. Drama’s the pick.
23. New England Patriots – With the 23rd pick, the Patriots select: a lifetime contract for Bill Belichick. I mean, does this guy ever miss a cheat? Excuse me, I meant to say beat. Strange slip-up there, sorry. But in all honesty, the guy really does do one hell of a job of constantly putting a competitive product on the field. And I know you’re lying if you say you aren’t scared of that team next year with Brady back in the fold. Don’t lie – I hate them as much as you do, but I’m not looking forward to the King’s return, either.
24. Atlanta Falcons – With the 24th pick, the Falcons select: Brian Cushing, USC. But only so that they can call him “More Cushing for the Pushing,” hoping to develop a roster full of college-humor nicknames headed by “Matty Ice.”
25. Miami Dolphins – With the 25th pick, the Dolphins have selected: Ace Ventura. Damnit, I couldn’t think of anything at all for the Dolphins. I really didn’t want to go the Tony Sparano/Tony Soprano route, and the whole Ricky Williams thing is old news. So they get Ace Ventura, and they’re gonna like it!
Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin’s head. I am saying to Snowflake, “Akay!… Akay Akay Akay?” und he is saying “AKay Akay!” und he is up on ze tail “Eeeeeeeeee!” und you can quote him!
26. Baltimore Ravens – At pick number 26, the Ravens have selected: Tony Siragusa. Just to keep him off of television, though. Oh jeez – what will I ever do without the nugget alert? Heh heh. My God, this is a catastrophe. Sound the Nugget Alert – only Mr. Nice Guy can save us now!
27. Indianapolis Colts – With the 27th pick, the Colts have selected: Lynn Abraham, District Attorney of Philadelphia. Thought she was already on the payroll, though…Guess not.
28. Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) – With the 28th pick in the first round, the Philadelphia Eagles have selected: a prescription of Xanax for all of their fans, and the Elliot Smith box-set. Very generous…Very typical.
29. New York Giants – With the 29th pick, the Giants have selected: The best damn lawyer money can buy. For Plaxico Burress, per the request of Eli Manning, of course. Something about windy days and making him look good. Or something like that. With their second round pick, they may try to pick up a firearm permit, and in the third round, look for them to go for a handgun with a friggin’ safety.
30. Tennessee Titans – With pick number 30, the Titans have selected: Counseling for Vince Young. This is a risky pick, but if offsets the alternative, which would’ve been a walker for Kerry Collins.
31. Arizona Cardinals (pending result of Super Bowl) – At pick number 31, the Cardinals have selected: Centrum Silver? Oh, right, for Kurt Warner – gotta keep that old man spry.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers (pending result of Super Bowl) – With the 32nd, and final pick of the Pundit’s Mocking Draft, the Steelers have selected: The best offensive lineman left on the board. Big Ben would get up and clap, but he’s too sore to even stand. Nice pick by the Steelers.
And thus concludes the Pundit’s Mocking Draft, 1st edition. Perhaps in a month or so, I’ll revise this; oh, and I’ll do an actual Mock Draft at some point. I know you wait with bated breath…