No-Show of the Week
You know, I almost feel bad doing this, mostly because he seems like a genuinely good guy. But Kyle Kendrick has been absolutely killing the Phillies, and he did it again this week. His line against the Marlins on Tuesday: 1 1/3 innings, 6 hits, 2 walks, 7 runs! Wait, did you catch that? Hold on, let me give that to you again. 1 1/3 innings, 6 hits, 2 walks, 7 runs! (Editor’s note: Could you repeat it one more time?) 1 1/3 innings, 6 hits, 2 walks, 7 runs! Kyle, baby, we need you to step it up. (Editor’s note: Insert 70’s soul music in the background here). I know we boo sometimes, sugar, but it’s because we care – because we need you. Just give us a few more quality starts, and we won’t boo you no more. Please, please don’t do us no harm, Kyle – we can’t bear it no mo’. (Editor’s note: The Pundit is so tender, isn’t he?)
Stud of the Week
M-V-P! Well, maybe. Ryan Howard has been hotter than a pudding wrestling match between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel lately. (Editor’s note: Ah, the clash of the Jessicas. This claim, of course, is absolutely absurd. Nothing is hotter than that. And pudding is delicious.). His line for the week: 12-34 (.353), 8 runs scored, 14 RBI’s, 4 HR’s, 4 doubles. The big fella just might carry the Phils into the postseason all by himself. He either scored or knocked in 18 of the Phillies 57 runs this week, a cool 32%. That, people, is MVP production. Jimmy Rollins has been ridiculous lately as well, setting the table and scoring runs like the Jimmy of last year. I give it to Howard by a nose because it has seemed that, with runners on, he has been completely locked in, but Rollins comes a close second.
My All-Encompassing Thought of the Week
Monday Night Football, when the Eagles are playing, and especially when its against the Cowbitches, requires a special sort of preparation. First, it is important to watch with a group of people, to maximize the energy and positive karma for the good guys. Make sure that, if you have any lucky jerseys or hats or boxers (Editor’s note: I never leave home without my lucky Eagles Speedo), you are wearing them for the game. While a professional spread isn’t necessary, one should be offering or offered with appropriate football cuisine: hot wings, pizza, french fries, veggies and dip, potato chips, one of those 17 foot long hoagies, those little pepperoni’s and cheese trays, etc. Greasiness is next to godliness. Beer. And maybe some more beer. Plus, the beer. That all goes without saying. But don’t be afraid to up the ante a bit. Make yourself a T.O. voodoo doll. Randomly start up the E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chant. It might be best to start this early in the day – nothing says “Hey, I’m an ambitious and enthusiastic worker” like doing the Eagles chant all day long during work. That’s pretty much a guaranteed raise, trust me. Full body paint is acceptable, unless you’re excessively hairy and/or packing the ol’ gut keg. Go crazy, people. (Editor’s note: Who does The Pundit hang out with?)
Painfully Specifiic Thought of the Week
Pat Burrell is having a bizarro world version of his season last year, but in reverse. Last year, he struggled early in the year, and came on late – this year, he was on fire early in the year, and has since disappeared. But look at his numbers from the two years: 77 runs, 121 hits, 26 doubles, 30 homers, 97 RBI’s, 114 walks, 120 K’s, .256 AVG last year, compared with 68 runs, 123 hits, 30 doubles, 30 homers, 77 RBI’s, 94 walks, 127 K’s, .250 AVG. His walks and RBI’s are each down, but everything else is pretty much spot on. Just in reverse. I’m not sure what it means, but can you imagine if Pat the Bat could produce consistently for an entire year? He’d be a force to be reckoned with.
Moment of the Week
How ’bout them Phillies, sweeping the Brewers in 4 straight games? The Phillies had the look of a playoff team, and the Brewers had the look of a team that was just hanging on for dear life. It’s like when you’re at the bar, and you see a guy trying to run game on a woman, but she seems half-interested and he’s refusing to take the hint. Then, another guy checks her out and they do the whole “we’ll talk for awhile but we’re going to hook up later” eye contact sex-glance. He starts in, and the first guy sees what’s happening, and makes a drastic move, like asking her to dance or seeing if she wants another drink, but all three know that that this guy is old news and the new guy is moving in for the kill. Think of the Wildcard as the hot chick, the Brewers as Mr. Old News, and the Phillies as Johnny Smooth. They know what to do; they’ve done this before, while the Brewers blew it last year and have the look of a team that might blow it again. Of course, if the Phillies keep playing their cards right, they may be able to flip the Wildcard for her even hotter friend, the Division Title. God, she’s sexy. The Mets have been suave thus far, but they couldn’t close before – here’s hoping they get too drunk and start humping her leg on the dance floor or something. (Editor’s note: Let’s get Mr. Met plastered!)
Go get ’em, birds. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!