So, after Sheldon Brown lashed out at “agent fatale” Drew Rosenhaus for his remarks that Lito should probably be starting, the Lito Sheppard situation finally reached another plateau (Editor’s note: Or a pretty silly low). Really, isn’t it time for all of the parties to sit down and talk amongst themselves? (Editor’s note: Here’s a topic: Rhode Island. Neither a road, nor an island. Discuss). The Pundit thinks so, and thus, employing his impressive networking abilities, has brought the players in this saga together to talk this out. (Editor’s note: Let’s reword that sentence: The Pundit thinks so, and thus, employing a disturbing and overactive imagination, has made up a dialogue between Andy Reid, Drew Rosenhaus, Lito Sheppard, a nameless Philly sportswriter, and Sheldon Brown).
Sheldon Brown: Keep my name out of your mouth, Rosenhaus. You don’t know me, motherfu@&*#! I been here 7 years, bitch.
Sportswriter: How does it make you feel when your agent insults your teammate, Lito?
Lito Brown: Hey, I mean, you know that I personally would never insult a teammate. That being said, I mean, I can’t be telling Drew how to do his job, you dig? If he thinks that calling out my teammate will get me paid, then SHOW ME THE MONEY! But like I said, I would never call out a teammate to get what I want. Sheldon’s my dawg.
Drew Rosenhaus: What was said has nothing to do with what I think about Sheldon – we just feel that Lito is an unbelievably great corner who deserves to start. Even if that means he should be taking a spot away from a safety or defensive linemen, or Brian Westbrook. Hell, I don’t care who has to go, Lito is one of the classic football players ever. EVER! I have nothing but respect for Sheldon Brown, but I am getting paid by Lito Sheppard, so start his ass so that when he leaves the Eagles, we each get paid more.
Sportswriter: Andy, what is your response to all of the talk that Lito should be starting?
Andy Reid: Hey listen, you know, we’re going to do what gives us the best chance to win. Right now, we feel like we’re doing what gives us the best chance to win.
Sportswriter: So are you saying that Sheldon Brown starting gives you a better chance to win than starting Lito Sheppard?
Andy Reid: We feel really good about the rotation we’ve got in place, we’ll be putting three really good corners out on the field a whole lot this year. We feel real good about that.
Sportswriter: Andy, do you have the ability to actually answer a question.
Andy Reid: I feel very good about the answers that I gave – I’m going to stick with those answers.
Drew Rosenhaus: Andy, its time to get something done. Lito either needs to get paid, get a trade, or start every play. Damn I’m clever!
Andy Reid: Yeah, about that. Not going to happen. We have all of the leverage right now. We’re not going to resign him this year; he’s been too injury prone to go and give a long-term deal. We won’t trade him, because nobody else in the NFL is going to put out for a guy they think may be injury prone, and we’re holding out for a bounty. And, this is a business, so we’ll start Sheldon, because we don’t need to piss off a guy we figure will be an Eagle for years to come. You’re stuck, Lito, and you know it. Sit out, or play like crap, and you won’t get paid next year. Got ya, bitch (Editor’s note: Oh c’mon, even in an imaginary dialogue, Andy Reid wouldn’t curse).
Lito Sheppard: (Seen pouting and pacing in a huff) I made two Pro Bowls, damnit. I’m a really good player when I’m not hurt. Seriously, this entire offseason has really been bad for my ego. You’re all jerks!
Drew Rosenhaus: (Now dressed in a monkey suit and dancing around on a table) Oh Andy, I’ve got a little surprise for you. Hey Sheldon, come close, you can see too. (Rosenhaus pulls out his, um, yeah, you know what he pulls out, and starts taking a leak on Reid and Brown). Is this what it is going to take to get something done? I didn’t want to bring out the monkey suit and start up the pissing dance, but I’ve got nothing left. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will. Damn, I’m a whiz! (Editor’s note: Groan).
Sportswriter: Lito, what do you think about your agent peeing all over your coach and good friend, Sheldon Brown?
Lito Sheppard: I mean, I would never do this personally. But if that’s what Drew has got to do, then that is what Drew has got to do. I mean, he’s the agent, not me. Interesting tactics, I admit, but you’ve got to talk to Drew about that. Drew gotta be Drew, and Lito gotta be Lito, and damn the consequences. Yo Sheldon, here dawg, here’s a handkerchief. We’ll probably need to hug in front of the cameras after this.
Sportswriter: Andy, does this latest tactic change anything between Lito and the Eagles? Is peeing on somebody crossing the line?
Andy Reid: We’re moving forward. End of story. As for whether or not peeing on somebody is crossing the line, hey, you know, everybody can try what they want. That being said, we’re not going to respond to that. Not going to happen.
Sheldon Brown: (Seen beating Drew Rosenhaus unmercifully). FOOL, YOU BETTER CHECK YO’SELF!
Footnote: An “agent fatale,” as mentioned in the first paragraph, is much akin to a femme fatale, but in agent form. Essentially, an “agent fatale” lures his clients into believing he can achieve something for them using his slick and seductive talk of money, only to ruin the players repuatation and accomplish very little for said clients. From here on out at The Pattison Pundit, Drew Rosenhaus will be simply referred to as The Agent Fatale.