8:16 PM: Just turned on the tube. Synchronized high diving. Thank friggin’ goodness I’m not missing this.
8:18 PM: I was hoping for a can opener. Or at least a cannon ball. (Editor’s note: Still waiting on the synchronized belly flop followed by the synchronized scream-of-agony).
8:24 PM: All of these dives look the same. Borrrrring. (Editor’s note: Groan).
8:26 PM: After two rounds of diving, the USA is in fifth. I think they need to bust out the flying egg.
8:34 PM: After three rounds, the USA is in eighth. Screw it, we would whup their asses in a chicken fight.
8:42 PM: I’ve got to be honest: I’ve been flipping to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas during commercials, and forgetting to come back. (Editor’s note: Synchronized drug use is just far more entertaining).
8:54 PM: Why is Cris Collinsworth covering The Olympics? He must not know what to do without the expert analysis of Dan Marino and Chris Carter. By the way, a truly heartwarming (cough) piece by Chris as he watches a Michael Phelps race with Phelps’ mom. What did I learn? Phelps’ ma likes to squeeze knees (she was squeezing Collinsworth’s knee) while she watches her son race. (Editor’s note: Ah, so that’s what you kids are calling it today).
9:01 PM: Sweet, beach volleyball. The American dudes vs. the Argentina dudes. Rogers and Dalhausser got this. Though, it always strikes me as somewhat odd that beach volleyball is an Olympic sport. I dunno, they already have regular volleyball, and beach volleyball has more of an X-Games feel (Editor’s note: Because its totally gnarly, brah).
9:11 PM: NBC just teased me by showing Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh getting ready for practice. They should just broadcast that.
9:14 PM: Oh snap, the announcer just made a Paleozoic reference insulting the Argentineans style of backing off of American spike attempts. Apparently, that style of play hasn’t been incorporated since the dinosaurs roamed the earth. In other news, that joke hasn’t been funny since the…well, never mind.
9:20 PM: So, Dalhausser’s nickname is “the thin beast.” I hate thin beasts – not only do they terrorize and destroy, but they make me feel so self-conscious (Editor’s note: Pilates could help with that).
9:35 PM: They can’t stop calling him “the thin beast.” It’s driving me crazy. They’ve used it at least eight times now.
9:37 PM: The announcer just said Dalhausser got his start in volleyball after “he started going into the gym and just pounding volleyballs.” Heh.
9:49 PM: My God, NBC is doing a “Panda baby making” segment. And it’s totally, completely sincere. I mean, Pandas are cool as hell, but I’m trying to watch some Olympics, not the process of force-mating Pandas. They even give the shy Pandas videos of other Pandas knocking bamboo – Panda Porn! (Editor’s note: What happened to romance?) Thanks, NBC, however would I learn about Chinese culture without these segments?
9:58 PM: Coming live from the pool in Beijing, it’s Rowdy Hicks. An American announcer named Rowdy Hicks? Too easy. (Actual Editing Note: It’s Dan Hicks and Rowdy Gaines. The Pundit heard wrong. He’s written letters of apology and been sent to his room).
10:16 PM: Really competitive Women’s 200 Meter Freestyle race, as Italy’s Federica Pellegrini takes the Gold. Katie Hoff from the US comes in 4th. Michael Phelps coming up next in the Men’s 200 Meter Butterfly. (Editor’s note: Act like you don’t have a man crush).
10:23 PM: And, as expected, Michael Phelps takes home the Gold. In World Record fashion. That’s his 10th Gold medal, the most in history. Congratulations Mr. Phelps, you are the most successful Olympian ever.
10:30 PM: Alright, The Woman’s Team Final in Gymnastics is about to get underway. Team America has a shot, though apparently the Chinese broads are the team to beat. Oh, we’ll see about that… (Editor’s note: Whoa there, Tonya Harding, just relax.)
10:36 PM: Yeah, there isn’t a chance in hell Deng Linlin is 16. I’ll give her 11, though I could have sworn I saw a missing tooth. Apparently, the Chinese Gymnastics team hired a special consultant – El Duque. (Editor’s note: Miguel Tejeda was taken – weightlifting).
10:58 PM: Alright, first ridiculous comparison of the night. Missed which ladies it was directed toward, but apparently we have two women gymnasts who are comparable to Batman and Robin. Yeah, not exactly sure how that works. (Editor’s note: It’s science.)
11:04 PM: So, you know at the end of a routine, when the announcer goes, “And here’s the dismount…Perfect!” Yeah, I can’t help but add to myself every time, “In bed. Heh heh.” (Editor’s note: More like, “And here’s the dismount…Premature!”)
11:17 PM: Great race in the Women’s 200 Meter IM as Stephanie Rice from Australia just inches out Kristy Coventry of Zimbabwe. And, as has been the theme in the pool, she sets the World Record.
11:22 PM: Paging Mr. Phelps. We have another medal for you, sir. Men’s 4×200 Freestyle Relay is underway.
11:29 PM: Wow, that was easy. The American team finishes in style, breaking the world record by 5 seconds, becoming the first team ever to finish under seven minutes. Phelps got them off to a nearly insurmountable lead. He’s out of this friggin’ world.
11:51 PM: Yeah, so I’m done for the night. Thanks for reading along, go USA!